Why is it when you see a young child doing something extraordinary, your first thought is 'their parents are forcing that on them'?
Can't children express what they want? They do everyday. "I want to wear the red one," "But I want the blue ball and Suzie has it," "I don't like green beans!" These are typical conversations in most parents houses. Why can't that same little person (because yes, they are a person) say "I want to play the violin."? I acknowledge that parents have a tendency to push their children to do things they don't want to do. I am fully aware it is often taken to extremes. Parents want their children to be the best at something. But I have witnessed that not all parents are the driving force behind extraordinary children. Sometimes, it's the child who wants to do something and asks for it.
I have a wonderful person in my life who is only a pre-teen. He plays the violin and has for 9 years. That's a very large amount of time, but as I know his parents and his love for music, I know this is truly what he wants. He practices the violin for about 6-8 hours per week. But he also plays other instruments. He practices almost everyday with some sort of instrument. How did he start playing the violin? At 2 years old he asked if he could. That was all it took. No pushing or prodding on the parents part. It was actually harder on those parents to find a violin that small and someone to teach their child at a young age.
I just wanted everyone to stop and think for a minute. What if that child is the one saying they want to play the violin, piano, sing, or act. What if it really isn't the parent forcing them...
It might be time to switch to decaf!
Terrific post, Double the Caffeine!
ReplyDeleteWe're in the same boat-- we have a child who asked to play violin at a young age, still plays it now, has never once asked to quit. Also, he does his academics at a highly accelerated level and, yes, I get the evil eye from people. Always have. But the driving force comes from my child and he is a happy, social, polite, well-balanced kid.
I belong to various organizations that support children like these and have learned it is a gross misconception that parents push their children to excel at something. Outside of that rare, true, pushy parent (they stick out and so you only think more parents are like that. In truth, they are the great minority.), Most parents aren't pushy in a bad way. Many are simply enablers providing their children with what they see they desire and have an ability for. In our country, we don't balk, in fact we applaud, sports acceleration and extra practice and ability in sports. But we think every child who is advanced in academics and something like classical music is being forced by pushy parents. It's just not true in most cases.
Sure, anyone can come up with an example of some pushy parent they have heard of or met, but that doesn't mean there aren't 10,000 more, non-pushy parents, who haven't forced their child to excel, yet their child excels at something, all the same. People just don't notice those parents. Yet, when some people learn about their amazing kids, they may unfairly place upon these parents the stereotype of a pushy parent.
Even when your child loves something, like my son loves karate, he does not always feel like attending practices. That's when it is my job to insist that he attend anyway...reminding him of the commitment he has made to excellence in this particular sport. And before you start thinking, "see, here's one of those pushy parents," know that we DO take days off...but we don't make a habit out of missing class. This Saturday was a great example of a "push" that was positive. My son did not want to go to karate, even though his dad was going too. But we insisted that he go and give it a shot. He went...and then on the way home he actually thanked his dad for "making" him go!
ReplyDeleteI have seen parents who do make their kids attend karate--for various reasons like wanting them to tackle something that enforces a certain type of discipline or manner, or because the other kids in the family are doing karate and the mom is too busy to add a separate sport into the mix, etc., but even these reasons...though not perfect motivations for the child...have merit.
Now..I have met swimmers...young adults who work at the local YMCA who used to swim competitively as children, and who, consequently, have no desire to swim now. I find this particularly sad, since I only discovered swimming three years ago and love it...but I understand. They were good at swimming, and so their coaches pushed them to be their best.
And herein lies the rub. Being/doing our best does not always mean that we get the most enjoyment out of something. I know, for example, that I could be a faster, better swimmer with speed work. I know that I could be fairly competitive with others my age in competitive events BUT in order to do so, my daily workouts would need to be more intense, and perhaps less pleasurable. And at this stage in my life...I want to enjoy my workouts for the beautiful, energizing escape into myself that they are. As a mom, I need this.
So......my point. Different strokes, be it in the pool, or while sliding a wand across a violin (obviously I do not know the correct terminology here), our children can only be prodded so far. Ultimately we cannot force them to master something they do not have a passion for. I lift my cup to your talented children and applaud your support of their excellence. As to those who look at you askew, I have to believe that they are, perhaps, jealous...
Momaraderie, you made a good point about how there can be different kinds of "pushing." Certainly, parents will nudge their children (some would say push) and it's because they truly know or suspect what will be best for them and what will make them feel good, in the end. It's just a shame that there are those who would categorize all types of nudging as a form of negative pushing. Or use one bad example of parenting they heard about and apply it to those who don't deserve it.
ReplyDeleteAnd good call-- you can't force someone to master something. At some point, there has to be an inner drive making someone want to push their OWN boundaries. It's just sad that when a child has their own inner pushing, some might see it as external pushing from the parent and not realize there might be a passion or drive in the child.
Two words to the parents who judge: Butt Out! I even tell this to myself when I am tempted to judge another parent for something (I will never NOT be able to judge abuse, however...it breaks me in two...even when my own behavior with my kids is not kind I am devastated inside).
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ReplyDeleteMomaraderie, Thank you for your post. I too agree there are different kinds of pushy parents. And you are so true about an inner drive. Only those with that inner drive or passion will strive for excellence in whatever field they are in.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, It is a shame to categorize all types of nudging as negative. I have learned a common theme in life; don't assume! Assuming almost always gets you into trouble.
Obviously, I need more caffeine to keep the typos away......
I often wonder if my child is choosing to play his sport because he wants to or because he thinks we want him to. I ask him all the time, because it has to be his committment, but once he made the commitment he has to continue through the end of it.
ReplyDeleteI believe that with open communication I've been able to identify that he does only what he wants...I wanted him to play the beautiful cello...he chose the viola..lovely in its own right, but if he did what I want him to do...
Of course, inner drive is important and valuable, but we are social creatures and so there is nothing wrong with a certain amount of healthy people-pleasing behavior (meaning, doing something others want, if it's for good reasons). If a child does something a parent likes, that can be fine so long as the child isn't feeling a heavy burden from it and if they develop a positive attitude about it.
ReplyDeleteI think there are many things our children have to do that they won't want to do. So long as they also have certain choices that are their own, especially with intense focus on something, then it should all work out ok. That's my sense of it, in any case. It just sounds like the parents posting, here, are all doing right by their children because they are paying attention and being sensitive to the varied situations.
Personally, I think parents do not set enough of an example of excellence. Your son has clearly been made to feel his interest in the violin adds value to the world. You sound like an excellent Mom.
ReplyDeleteOur culture is more about falling in line than shaping geniuses or creating something beautiful. If you ask me, parents do not expect true greatness from their kids. It's the result of living in a society that rewards ignorance and celebrates mediocrity.
But, I believe we will move on from this place.
A tall glass of Emergen-C for the ultimate outcast! (I don't drink coffee)
Thanks for stopping by Heather. Emergen-C? Whatever keeps you coming back!
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